The Silent I Love You's
by Dean Ocean
Summary: Remus and Sirius talk about the past, spending a lonely day locked up in the Head Quarters for the Order of Phoenix. Takes place just before book Five.


**The Silent I Love You's **

Sirius Black had been trapped inside of his house for weeks. What made it worse than only being able to peer out side was to turn corners and find shadows of his past lurking. He'd struggled to out wit the house elf in gathering Black Family related items and hurling them into the fireplace for days on end. It had become a silent war, where each party slinked about the house trying to snatch the next item from one another's invisible lists firsts. It was one more thing in a series of things that Sirius did to keep himself from thinking too long about his situation. Which was that he was trapped in a house that had been a nightmarish hell from him during his short-lived childhood.

He spent mornings pacing in front of the door, scratching his chin and waiting for someone to return with news. He tied his black hair back with a ribbon made of fine red satin; it had been stolen from a gift wrapped for him by Remus. He'd seemed more impressed with the ribbon than the actual gift, a journal for him to write down his thoughts. Sirius spent a great deal of energy trying to escape his own thoughts, he didn't think writing them down for posterity would help matters. He patronized Remus from time to time, by carrying it from room to room or sitting in the kitchen and pretending to scribble something useful inside of it. The reality was he wrote down recipes copied from a cookbook Mrs. Weasely had left.

He'd been alone in the house for days. No one had come or gone since Monday, and on Friday Sirius had just about had enough. His brain itched in his skull and his skin crawled with the loneliness of the house. He found himself playing games with the painting of his mother, torturing the image by tiptoeing in front of it while the curtains were drawing and testing how far he could open the velvet shades before she'd start in on her screaming. He'd grown used to it through the years, but the sound of her voice still made his hackles stand on end. His anger would eventually boil over at her and he'd scream back or unleash a tirade of fury on the aged house elf.

When he heard the door open he was stretched on a sofa, staring at the ceiling. He'd seen a small spider on it a few moments before, and had been waiting for the spider to reappear from underneath a chandelier's cover. His fingers curled around a wand, stuffed into the pocket of a dirty robe. He hadn't bothered with washing it, and with out Mrs. Weasely to hound him for the cleanliness of himself, Sirius tended to forget about the little things. His years spent in Azkaban, a personal sort of hell that surpassed even Sirius's home life, had taught him to ignore a great deal many things. He stood and moved to the door way that separated the entryway from the living room, which was still littered with the remnants of the family name.

"Carefully, Moony, you're out past your bedtime, could get us all in trouble." Sirius said with a crocked grin on his face. It was a signature that had been sorely missing from his features for almost a year now. He'd left a lot of his sense of humor behind him in Azkaban, but as time stretched on he slowly seemed to be getting it back.

"Don't you have a house elf to out-wit?" Remus replied. He stood before Remus with a soft smile on his face.

Remus Lupin had spent his childhood thinking up witty comebacks to Sirius Black. It was a challenge; Sirius seemed to have an endless string of snappy things to say. As Remus matured, aged and became used to Sirius's temper, he found it easier to joke with him, to tease and taunt him.

Remus stepped into the space Sirius occupied. As a child he'd found it disconcerting when he'd try to move past Sirius and the other man wouldn't budge, or when Sirius would invade his personal space and refuse to back away. Now he found the nearness of the man comforting. He'd spent thirteen years with out him, and they had been the loneliest of his largely solitary existence. He touched Sirius's face with his grizzled hand, the thick calluses were signs of a hard life and a hard road.

"No one's here." Sirius whispered, leaning closer to the other man.

Remus had vivid memories of his first time with Sirius, of how it had felt to be with him to hold him. He remembered swearing to love him, and the feel of Sirius's breath against his skin. He'd never wanted that moment or the subsequent ones to end. But they had, and thirteen, no another year had passed it was fourteen, years later Remus found himself longing to be with him again. Since Sirius had escaped from prison there had been stolen kisses, touches in the dark hallways when they were spending the same, rare moment in the same place together. But nothing compared to the long nights prior to the changing of everything.

"We're not teenagers any more, Sirius, we can't justify sneaking off to sleep together in your house. It seems a little …sick doesn't it?" Remus frowned. He wouldn't feel comfortable dragging Sirius to his bed in his childhood home.

"Think of it as payback." Sirius muttered before kissing Remus. He was gentle at first, slowly touching his lips to the other's and gradually letting the kiss become more forceful. He pulled back a few seconds later, running his tongue across his lips to taste what he'd gathered from Remus.

Remus had pieced together something of Sirius's past. He knew enough to know that Sirius's family had not been exactly accepting of Sirius, and he knew enough to know that there had been fairly serious incidents of abuse: verbal and physical. His fingers touched Sirius gently, running his fingers along the heavy brown line and square cut jaw. Remus had never told Sirius he knew, and had never asked him for more information. Sirius was never forth coming on such matters. Remus groaned, low and mostly in his chest.

"Alright, you win." The werewolf leaned in, his arms slid around Sirius's neck and shoulders. He kissed him. It was a full kiss that sent his heart right into his throat as it did every time. He parted his lips and invited Sirius's tongue into his mouth, to which the black haired man gladly obliged.

Sirius pulled Remus with him up the stairs, struggling to climb them backwards as his hands worked on the buttons of his shirt beneath his robe, which had already been pulled open. He fumbled with the small contraptions and growled several times when buttons seemed to get stuck on lose threads of his worn and dated clothes, prompting him to rip the shirt to open it. Remus laughed at him between kisses, keeping one hand on the railing on the steep staircase to steady himself and to avoid tripping over Sirius just ahead of him. Neither paid much attention to where their robes landed as they peeled back the layers of clothing.

For Sirius it was like fourteen years hadn't passed by as he held fast to Remus's shirt and pulled him into the bedroom. The house had haunted Sirius since arriving, his dreams were cluttered with bad memories from childhood and more recent experiences, and all those thoughts of anger and rage vanished as he pulled Remus into the one time sanctuary. His room hadn't changed since he'd lived there in the summer months between his years at Hogwarts. The large bed was still the centerpiece, and the thick curtains were still along the large windows, one missing a tassel to hold it open from the window. There were a few pictures scattered about on a bureau and over a nightstand, photographs that were dated by their fading color, and the youthful faces of the occupants. Memories, that had chased him around the room, faded as Remus stepped into it, chasing Sirius with his kisses.

Remus had never been inside of Sirius room, except one night spent talking in the doorway. He'd never been asked in, and with Sirius it was always better to avoid pushing him. Sirius's temper had always been short and dark, but shorter still since escaping his wrongful imprisonment. Remus had always wanted to be inside the room, but now that he was he hardly had time to notice the small personal artifacts left over from Sirius's secretive existence as a child. Remus was aware the bed was black when he rather unceremoniously fell onto it, tripping over his trousers as they were pushed from his hips by demanding hands. He could feel the soft, high quality fibers that comprised the bed spread and the subsequent sheets against his bare back as he kicked his legs free.

He didn't have time to prepare for Sirius's weight before the man was atop him. Remus shuddered when he felt the nude body of his lover. It had been a long time since Remus had touched Sirius in such a way, and it felt more incredible than he remembered. He ran his hand down Sirius's back, running his fingers over the man's spine. He could feel the strain age and unfavorable conditions had put on Sirius, the way his body had lost some of the muscle tone it had sported in his youth. He was still thin, but Remus was acutely aware of the lack of strength in the arms and chest of his lover. Remus's fingers ran through Sirius's hair, catching on the thick ribbon that held the longer strands tied back. He pulled the ribbon free and let the satin run through his fingers as it crumbled to the bed beside him.

When Sirius's hips came down to touch his, Remus could feel the want inside of the darker man. Remus's body trembled as he felt the way his groin pressed against Sirius's, touching and rubbing with the motion of Sirius's hips. Sirius had him in a kiss, Remus was pinned by it and his body was rigid. He gasped, and closed his mouth on Sirius's lower lip when he felt his thigh pulled to one side by strong hands. The other followed, and when he relaxed, Remus's thighs pressed to the outside of Sirius's hips.

Remus whimpered when he felt a cool, slick hand slide between his legs and run over the length of his groin. He opened his eyes, which had been shut the moment Sirius came atop him, to stare at his long time friend. Sirius returned the look with a smile; it rested on his face slightly off center. He held up a small bottle, labeled KY.

"That's unlike you, Sirius, to be prepared." Remus chided, gently rubbing his hands across Sirius's chest.

"I've learned a thing or two in the past few years." Sirius grinned. He slipped his hand, heavy and calloused over Remus's penis gently applying pressure. When Remus's eyes rolled back into his skull, Sirius started slow kisses along the other man's jaw.

It was different from the first time. That had been awkward and hurried; Sirius seemed capable now of taking his time, restraining himself. And while they had made love several times before Sirius was incarcerated, until this moment nothing had been quite as dear to Remus's heart as that first interlude. Now he felt powerless beneath Sirius, he felt his body writhe, twist and twitch with the pleasure it received and his words were drowned amongst low moans. His heart beat so fast he could barely breathe and each breath in was shallow and fast.

Sirius was not doing much better. His body was tight and he restrained himself with a great deal of effort. He felt himself coiled round his climax, holding onto it as long as he possibly could. His fingers slid over Remus's body, lubricated him by gently sliding in and out of his anus. There were kisses involved; deep kisses with Sirius's tongue in Remus's mouth, and vice versa. When Sirius pushed himself inside Remus, the werewolf cried out.

Sirius put his mouth over his to keep him quiet. The sounds from Remus's throat made it that much harder for Sirius to hold on. He pushed his hips against Remus, gently gliding in and out of him with the aid of the lubricant. It was when he heard his name on Remus's lips, slipped amongst a moan that he finally lost control.

"Shit!" He cursed as he came, his body tensing and everything spilling out of him all at once. He groaned following as his penis pulsed inside of Remus. He panted, trying to find a way to breathe again after all the air had been pushed out of him.

Remus's face shifted in surprise. His eyes were wide as he felt Sirius lose control. His hands tightened on the other man's shoulders, holding onto him tightly as he felt him come. Remus kissed Sirius's cheek, letting his lips taste the sweat that had pooled as a gleam on the man's skin.

"I'm sorry…" Sirius started but was interrupted when Remus kissed him.

Both of Remus's hands were placed on either side of Sirius's face, he kissed along his lips and up to his nose. "It's fine, I'm fine."

"It's been…awhile." Sirius was blushing, his whole face was gradually turning red, and he attempted to hide it by tilting his chin downwards. Remus's hands didn't let him get too far.

For the life of him Remus couldn't recall Sirius ever blushing. Remus blushed often, his face had a way of coloring at the slightest provocation and in their youth Sirius had run regular schemes to get the color to Remus's cheeks. As adults Remus still blushed whenever Sirius would offer tantalizing bits of sexual innuendo. And now Sirius blushed because he'd come too soon. Remus couldn't help his smile of satisfaction. The tables had turned.

"You didn't? With any one?" Remus asked, running his fingers back through Sirius's long dark hair.

"Who was I going to do it with, Remus? There weren't exactly volunteers. And I couldn't wank off, it would only make me think of you." It had always made Sirius think of Remus. Even before he'd come to terms with his own homosexuality he'd had lustful dreams and thoughts of the copper eyed man beneath him. "I couldn't think of you, they'd only take you away if I did."

"No one is going to take me away, Sirius." Remus's voice was gentle, reassuring. "No one." Despite all else, and the years that had fallen between them, and the suspicions either had harbored in times very dark and dangerous, Remus had always known he loved Sirius. One look at the dashing young man had sealed the werewolf's fate.

"Come on, let me help you." Sirius slid away from Remus's body. When he pulled back the cool air touched Remus's groin and he shivered. He had only a moment to register the lack of pressure and warmth against him before he felt a wet tongue touch his penis.

Remus groaned letting the sound of his throat with out hindrance as Sirius's mouth slowly took the girth of him inside of it. Sirius slid his tongue down the side of Remus's penis, gently bringing his mouth up and down over the length of the erect flesh. His tongue pushed against the head of Remus's penis, tasting a drop of pre-come on the very tip. Remus's fingers pushed their way into Sirius's hair, holding onto the back of the man's skull, pressing his face against his groin. He held him their with one hand and the other reached above his head to brace himself against the ornately carved headboard. In a matter of moments he was screaming Sirius's name while he came.

To Sirius's credit he handled it well. He ran his tongue along the underside of Remus's erect shaft while he came, and even took a small taste of what was expelled. His tongue ran over the length of his mouth as he crawled back up towards Remus's face. When Sirius kissed him, Remus tasted himself on the man's tongue. Sirius's head rested on Remus' chest, pressing his ear against the left side, listening to the pounding of Remus's heart.

"Sirius?" Remus asked after a long silence. "Do you remember our first time?"

Sirius sighed, and spoke through a tired throat. "Don't do this, Remus."

"Don't do what? I just asked—"

"No. I don't remember. They took it away from me. Stop asking after it." Sirius couldn't help his temper; it flared and made his words harsh.

Remus blinked and swallowed hard, suddenly feeling awkward. He hadn't meant to remind Sirius of the memories he was missing from his time in Azkaban, memories that had been leeched forcibly from his brain. Remus's fingers slipped down Sirius's side and his arms pulled the other man much closer to his body.

"You know I love you, right, Remus?" Sirius said it so softly that it almost disappeared against Remus's chest.

The werewolf was paralyzed for a moment. His whole body was stiff and his heart thundered in his ears, echoing hard enough to make his head ache. "You've never said that…"

"I meant to." Sirius shifted, wrapping one leg across Remus's waist and using it to help draw their nude bodies closer together.

"I love you too, Sirius." Remus whispered, letting his fingers stroke the long silky strands of Sirius's hair.

"It doesn't count when you say it second, Moony." Sirius couldn't help his snicker.

Remus rolled his eyes and fought with his own snicker. "You are such a bastard, Sirius."

**The End.**


End file.
